Monday, 18 February 2013

Mental illness: Am I Bipolar ??

Its known that a good majority of people suffering from a mental illnesses suffer alone or might not be aware that their suffering. I've often wondered if I suffer from some kind of mental illness, mostly if I might be bipolar. Its something I'm quite familiar with as my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was in my early teens. But how long had she actually been bipolar before being diagnosed ? I've seen what it did to her and us as a family. I keep telling myself its not like that for me. I don't get irritated or mad at people for no reason and I don't go on shopping sprees but its all so familiar to my current situation. I don't want to be like that, I want to be constant with people, I don't want to hurt or confuse the ones I love. Growing up with it doesn't make me understand it better. And now because I grew up with it I tell myself that's the reason why I think I have it or that I have mood swings. I'm projecting her actions on to me and that I'm not really bipolar. Well it just seems to be causing more doubt then actually helping.


At first I use to think that my mood swings might be a side affect from my drug use. Then I thought it might be something that happens when someone quits drugs and is getting use to sober living. I never wanted to believe that my mood changes were just in my head, because that would mean I had no logical reason to feel the way I felt. I must be sad for a reason, or I don't want to answer my phone because I'm tired or busy, but I am really ? I don't really know and that's the problem. And then sometimes nothing bothers me, I'm positive, laughing and thinking everythings perfect. That's the side everyone sees of course, because that's how I am most of the time and when I am sad I usually don't talk to anyone. If I do I make it quick and tell them I'm tired. And to be honest I really am tired often, I have low energy but then at night I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on the energy drinks but if I don't drink them I cant get out of bed. Another thing is I rarely hang out with friends anymore. I have good intentions and sometimes make plans but then when that day actually comes I tell myself I'm too tired or I'm uncomfortable and I end up not going. What's weird is that on those rare occasions where I actually do it, I enjoy myself and that doesn't even make it easier the next time.


Whats happening to me ? I can be happy for days the on other days all I want to do is sleep. But their must be another reason for this. Everyone has their off days right. I don't mention this to my mom because honestly I don't think I want an answer. What if I am bipolar, my sadness wont have an importance because it wont be based on anything real. If I argue or I'm emotional about something it will get chalked up to just being bipolar. I really believe that I should be able to control my mood. I want to be happy so I'll be happy. I don't need medication or therapy. I don't have time for therapy anyways, Id never make it to my appointments. I've always been terrible at keeping any kind of appointment. I want to find any other reason possible then being bipolar. My sadness and happy moments aren't as extreme as what people say they should be if I was to be bipolar. I'm like floating around in the middle, so I'm normal, right? Round and Round I go until eventually I stop thinking about for a while. If I actually knew what was going on then I could get help or move on and live with it. I just don't know and the battle between wanting to know and not wanting to know, is making things a lot harder. I need the courage to take the next step, whatever that may be.

I would love any input or comments on this.

Charmed



Hopefully I'm able to overcome this.

6 comments:

  1. I've read up on mood swings and you can take certain vitamins that the brain needs to minimize these. Vitamin D and vitamin B complex are two that I have been taking and I started seeing a difference after 4 days. when I do get irritable now is when I notice I'm under stress or pressure because of my immediate environment or lack of sleep for a few days, will make them worst. Hope this helps!

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    1. No I never did the program and I have my own reasons for this, I got clean on my own without therapy and I haven't been actively using for over 4 years.

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  2. Really, I guess you are so courageous that you never acquired recovery assistance from therapies. Good job.

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    1. You might think its courageous but its quite the opposite, i wish i had more courage to get therapy, i think it would help

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    2. Id look into recovery assistance, thank u for thinking tge best of me

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