Monday, 18 February 2013

Mental illness: Am I Bipolar ??

Its known that a good majority of people suffering from a mental illnesses suffer alone or might not be aware that their suffering. I've often wondered if I suffer from some kind of mental illness, mostly if I might be bipolar. Its something I'm quite familiar with as my mom was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was in my early teens. But how long had she actually been bipolar before being diagnosed ? I've seen what it did to her and us as a family. I keep telling myself its not like that for me. I don't get irritated or mad at people for no reason and I don't go on shopping sprees but its all so familiar to my current situation. I don't want to be like that, I want to be constant with people, I don't want to hurt or confuse the ones I love. Growing up with it doesn't make me understand it better. And now because I grew up with it I tell myself that's the reason why I think I have it or that I have mood swings. I'm projecting her actions on to me and that I'm not really bipolar. Well it just seems to be causing more doubt then actually helping.

At first I use to think that my mood swings might be a side affect from my drug use. Then I thought it might be something that happens when someone quits drugs and is getting use to sober living. I never wanted to believe that my mood changes were just in my head, because that would mean I had no logical reason to feel the way I felt. I must be sad for a reason, or I don't want to answer my phone because I'm tired or busy, but I am really ? I don't really know and that's the problem. And then sometimes nothing bothers me, I'm positive, laughing and thinking everythings perfect. That's the side everyone sees of course, because that's how I am most of the time and when I am sad I usually don't talk to anyone. If I do I make it quick and tell them I'm tired. And to be honest I really am tired often, I have low energy but then at night I have a hard time sleeping. I blame it on the energy drinks but if I don't drink them I cant get out of bed. Another thing is I rarely hang out with friends anymore. I have good intentions and sometimes make plans but then when that day actually comes I tell myself I'm too tired or I'm uncomfortable and I end up not going. What's weird is that on those rare occasions where I actually do it, I enjoy myself and that doesn't even make it easier the next time.

Whats happening to me ? I can be happy for days the on other days all I want to do is sleep. But their must be another reason for this. Everyone has their off days right. I don't mention this to my mom because honestly I don't think I want an answer. What if I am bipolar, my sadness wont have an importance because it wont be based on anything real. If I argue or I'm emotional about something it will get chalked up to just being bipolar. I really believe that I should be able to control my mood. I want to be happy so I'll be happy. I don't need medication or therapy. I don't have time for therapy anyways, Id never make it to my appointments. I've always been terrible at keeping any kind of appointment. I want to find any other reason possible then being bipolar. My sadness and happy moments aren't as extreme as what people say they should be if I was to be bipolar. I'm like floating around in the middle, so I'm normal, right? Round and Round I go until eventually I stop thinking about for a while. If I actually knew what was going on then I could get help or move on and live with it. I just don't know and the battle between wanting to know and not wanting to know, is making things a lot harder. I need the courage to take the next step, whatever that may be.

I would love any input or comments on this.


Hopefully I'm able to overcome this.


  1. I've read up on mood swings and you can take certain vitamins that the brain needs to minimize these. Vitamin D and vitamin B complex are two that I have been taking and I started seeing a difference after 4 days. when I do get irritable now is when I notice I'm under stress or pressure because of my immediate environment or lack of sleep for a few days, will make them worst. Hope this helps!

    1. No I never did the program and I have my own reasons for this, I got clean on my own without therapy and I haven't been actively using for over 4 years.

  2. Really, I guess you are so courageous that you never acquired recovery assistance from therapies. Good job.

    1. You might think its courageous but its quite the opposite, i wish i had more courage to get therapy, i think it would help

    2. Id look into recovery assistance, thank u for thinking tge best of me


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